For the past few years, I have had a lot of trouble coming up with goals.
See, for a long time, I had one goal: to tour the world in a band. This dream began when I was 14 and stayed pretty consistent for 10 years. It resonated so much that I went through 5 years of University without deviating from the path. I was going to school because it seemed like the smart thing to do, but my heart was set on making it with the band. The problem was, as soon as I finished school, the band fell apart.
The drummer quit because life got in the way and the rest of us just drifted along into the throes of adult life. We had rebounded from periods of idleness before, but the timing of this one stalled us for a while. After a few months, one of the guys began the process of finding a new drummer and getting the engine started up again. But by that point, my dream had dried into a withered, stale pit of what it once was. The veneer of possibility had been scuffed away to reveal the hopelessness unmasked.
Deciding to quit the band was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make. I was crushed. Everything I had always wanted just seemed so far away, and time had left me feeling like I had no other option but to walk away.
It didn’t take me long to realize the weight on which I had leaned on the dream of achieving success with the band. I had used the future of the band as a crutch to avoid formulating a future for myself with or without the band. I tied my fate in with the fate of the band, so when the band fell apart, so did I.
I had developed a blind spot to hide my slow burning existential crisis. I was left without a direction and without a purpose at a point in my life when I should have been narrowing down options to shape myself into my own vision. Instead, I dove head first into distraction and detachment. I chose to hyper-focus on things to take me away and out of myself. I prioritized mindless instant gratification over growth or development.
This cycle continued for almost 2 years before I decided enough was enough. I had been spinning in place with no direction for too long. I realized it was time to take responsibility for my life and enact some positive change.
So I quit my job and went traveling with my girlfriend. I figured it would be a good opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and expand my mind with a new challenge.
And then after a month in Nicaragua, I didn’t find out shit about myself.
But I did come back rested and with a renewed focus. The time away allowed me to come to terms with my failed dream and begin to move past it in search of something new.
This was the first step in what has been a year of learning and personal growth. I have yet to devise any sort of divine plan for my existence, but I have definitely altered my mindset in a powerful way. I have come to understand that failure is an integral part of figuring yourself out. I have let go of the notion of focusing on goals and dreams as means to an end. I now look at the integration of systems to work toward goals as a much more productive way to go about personal improvement and life in general.
You cannot change or move forward simply by thinking about it. You must actively try new things and likely fail while doing it. It is through the process of trying and failing that you will learn about yourself and what you actually want to do. I spent a long time trying to will myself to be better, and I struggled with the complete lack of results. I didn’t want to fail again, so I didn’t try anything new. I was waiting for some unknown passion to come find me while I hid away from the world.
Now, I am trying to push aside my fears and step back into the world. But it is not easy. Your internal monologue does not become any less critical. You just become a little bit better at ignoring it. Through the process of turning knowledge into action, it will become easier. I am writing this because I need to internalize these principles, and I figure the best way to do it is by trying to help someone else take that first step.
I am just getting started on my journey of taking action. I haven’t done anything yet. I am not at all equipped to offer anyone advice as to what they should do on their quest for success. I simply plan to share some of the ideas and principles that have helped me to improve myself. I will point you toward far greater minds than my own and try to distill the lessons I have learned.
It is my hope that by sharing how I got here and taking you along with wherever I’m going, I will help someone to begin their own journey.
Originally written & posted Nov 21, 2017.
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